there are times when I feel like flying..

and there are times when i feel like hitting the wall
when the frustrations build up
and I get sick of the same old thing
urgh!
what is the problem with people?
can't they see beyond the groups and the methods and strategies and faces
just do it already... make it happen...
instead of wasting time in thoughts unmoving
restless and head-spinning
see sincerity for sincerity
good for good
and hope for hope
see them for what they are..
what are presented
and not beyond
get rid of those presumptious thoughts..
and move forward

I have a dream..*
To spend a year of my life dedicated to learning the Arabic language
To take a detour from my planned route
And hitchhike to an Arab country
Probably somewhere in West Africa
Have never thought about West Africa before
But definitely inspired by Hamza Yusuf
If the region can produce such an intelligent man like him
Maybe it can make something out of me
I say it is a 'detour' now
But I'm quite sure that nothing in life is as such
If I do get to learn Arabic...
I'll be able to read the old texts
And if I am able to do that
Will I be able to just continue my life working as a doctor?
Put aside old texts,
If I can read Arabic...
I can understand the Qur'an directly!
My Allah...how will that change me then..?
I don't know where life will take me...
But this is a dream of mine
I pray that Allah will show me the way
As He charts the best coordinates for me..
I have a dream..
And I hope it will come true

Sometimes things just happen
They change your life
Some you wish you could take back
And redo in a different way
When you wish you could rewind time
And go back to who you were

You never thought that it would happen to you
Yet, secretly you've been hoping for it all the time
How you imagined scene by scene
How curious it seemed
How exciting it'll be to experience it
You wished your life was different
Yet you never really prayed for it
And never really expected it
When it came to you suddenly
And you're all but prepared
And things just fall down
Like a house of cards
And you had thought it was just in movies
And that none of it was real
And you had thought that it didn't matter
That it would never affect you
Not in that way anyway
And that you could care less
And you didn't quite understand
How vulnerable you were
And you thought you could weather it
That it didn't matter
Yet it did
And you don't know how to deal
And how to get it off your mind
How to change
And be who you were.

alas, you may come
and you may see
you will cut the vines
and set her free
you hold out a hand
then walk hand in hand

or you will watch
and stare with sympathy
then, you will walk away
continuing your imprinted steps
on the path you carve
every notch and crack

turn back, she says
turn your head and look behind
behind those trees are peeking eyes
if only you would look
how her hands are tied
to the vines that crawl too near
if only you would come
and look a little closer
and leave your path for that one way traveller

these tears have shed too far
spilled over
burried black nights
impregnant despair
their oblivious sight
carving path for one way traveller

how can you go on knowing what you know now
to go on living like before
when your eyes have seen so much
and your ears have heard too much
when the books have opened up to you
and your thoughts are not anymore the same
how you see things that others don't
and understand things that were obscured
how can you go on knowing what you know now
the same way you would when you know not..

What is the purpose of your life?

Summer breeze and winter snow

Oh Allah...
I wish to die..

When I watch this world...
I am in agony
Longing to be somewhere else
As if my heart is not here
My body, my mind
Is living for the sake of living
Eating for the sake of eating
More felt than know I that
In this dreamworld
Nothing is real
An illusion
A diversion
I yearn for something more
Something I know I can never reach here
Something real
Something lasting
Something ever after

Oh Allah..
I ache to be truly home
I eat delicious foods you provide us
And I praise You for Your masterpieces
But, Oh! How more delicious foods in heaven are!
When I listen to a song I love
I sway with the beautiful melodies
I sing with the catchy tunes
But Oh Allah, Oh! How I long to hear the music of heaven!
When I'm cuddled up under my warm blanket
On a cold winter day
The pleasure of sleep overtaking me
I long Oh Allah, Oh! How I long to sleep deeply in the warmth of jannah!
Oh Allah..
I wish to die...

Oh Allah..
When I prostrate to You in prayers
I know I am the closest to You
I beg for You to take my life
To take me from this dreamworld
I have no desire to be here
Take me
Take me...

Oh Allah..
There is only one thing I fear
I fear Your wrath
And I fear Your promises
Of an eye for an eye
A tooth for a tooth
Of torturous payment for sin

I am afraid of death
Not for what I will leave behind
But for I fear the pain of stabbings of a thousand swords
I fear the pain of my soul pulled from my body
For even my beloved Prophet s.a.w screamed with the pain
Yet his was the softest death
I fear not the lost of blinding treasures
But I fear pain...

Oh Allah..
I read of the barzakh
Of the coiling snakes that brought human ribs together
Of the sharp hissing whips
Of the dagger-like hooking fingernails
Of the bites of red ants
Of the sting of malicious scorpions
Of loneliness
In the narrow six feet under
Within the dark, dark six feet under
I shake with fear oh Allah
I shake with fear

Oh Allah
I have not sinned big
I have not commit shirk
I have not commit zina
I have been faithful to my parents
I have uphold your greatness
But I have lied
I have procrastinate
I have not done dakwah
Sometimes I let mungkar fly by
And avoid makruf I see
I have not helped my brothers and sisters in jihad
And I have not spread the true message of Islam to all
I have sins
And I know Your promise is unbreakable
And that...I fear greatly...

Oh Allah
I am not afraid to die
I am not afraid to leave whatever pleasure of this world
But I am afraid for my sins
For the torture it would bring me
The pain of my soul being pulled from my body
The torture of barzakh
The scorching fires of hell

So, here it is Oh Allah
My prayer to You...

Praises be to Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Oh Allah, the Lord of the universe, the heavens, hell, earth and the hereafter
Take my soul now
Take it right now
If I am to reside in heaven
If I have completed my purpose here
If my path is only to dwindle later
If You can accept me now
If I am already in the highest iman
If I can be in jannah

But Oh Allah
If I have sins in my record
Even If I am to dip in hellfire only for a short while
Don't let that fire even lick me for second.
Help me go through this life
Guide me always
Give me strength
Give me spirit
To persevere in this dreamworld
To purify me from my sins
To protect me from hellfire
Keep me on the straight path
Show me the right way
The way of the people who you cherish
Not those who are lost
Neither those who are deviated
For this heart of mine
Would rather be with You
In the ultimate real world
Of the hereafter, Of heaven, Of Jannah
And this life here on earth
....is always a dolor.

Snow,
You came down to me,
Falling down flakes by flakes,
Warming my heart in the cold winter day,
White flakes of hope,
And love from the Almighty,
A message, A love letter,
Of care.

Snow,
You set on the ground, on the trees,
Like a white blanket over the landscape,
Protecting,
Painting a sight of beauty,
To the eyes of woken sleep,
In the dawn of empty sorrow,
White, bright and innocent.

Snow,
How I long for you every day,
The days you came,
Are the days of hope,
Of happiness,
In a story of seemingly endless misery,

Overwhelmingly beautiful,
A breathtaking miracle.

Snow,
You came and you went,
Sometimes falling on hot asphalt,
Which refuse to let up,
Melting every single flake,
Not yielding,
As if in rebellion.

But snow,
You will come again,
No doubt about it,
On unexpected days,
Lighting up the sky,
Carving up a smile,
For even as all hope fails,
You will never fail me,
My All-Loving, All-Knowing, Almighty,
In You I put my trust,
In You I give my all,
Amin.